Deciphering Mascara Claims

Monday, 9 August 2010



In spite of the inconveniences of the mascara, most of us just cannot live without this biatch - and i perfectly feel your pain.

In retrospect, I think my life would have turned out better if I had thick, long, voluminous lashes - i could have argued convincingly and albeit charmingly to my teachers into having straight A grades; I could as well have given the right mating signal to the perfect guy without being mistaken to have mislocated contact lenses;  I could have woken up and just be instantly fabulous- heck!

Speaking of the perfect man, I heard a good joke lately- 
Why are men like parking spaces?  
Because all the good ones are taken, and the available ones are either too small or handicapped. 
So, in the camaraderie of our common pain, here is to help with your mascara quest - some tips to help sniff out the bullshit out of 'em good 'ol mascara claims.

PLASTIC MOLDED BRUSH
The plastic molded brush is an "innovation" as far as production technique is concerned - but NOT repeat, NOT performance.

This is just because they found a way to mold plastic to take on this complex form and thus, does not have the limitations of the hair wound on wire. 

So theoretically, they can have any form, any color they want that the mold design limitations allow.  Yeah- plastic brushes are sssssexy (if like me, plastics are your kind of thang, and I can explain that).

Now the thing is, before they can see if a new plastic brush can perform well for real, they have to invest millions in a mold or an expensive prototype which works in "theory".
And if it doesnt work in practice, you think we will throw the million mold away?
Hell no! That is where the magic of the priestesses of bullshit comes in.

CURLING
The hope for droopy lashes, common with, for example - Asian lashes, are curling mascaras. They have a resin in the formula that makes lashes sort of curb up - but it can only do so much.
The fact that curling mascaras have a curved brush is just plain marketing BS. It is but a mnemonic that doesn't add to its performance.

WATERPROOF
This is bad shit. As in really!*
Our lab techs wear a full radioactive proof gear when they handle this (Ok, i exaggerate but you get the idea). These are harmful to your lashes and with continued use makes them wither and die. As well, the formula has nothing to do with its non-waterproof version. We only say it is the water proof version of our best selling mascara so that the good sales and brand equity rubs off on it. (And it works!)

But of course, as marketing-know-all-geniuses, we do not listen to our lab people's warnings and we make a killing on waterproof mascara during the summer months - especially on those who want to look fabulous at all costs in land and in water. We figure, if you use it only during the summer months, chances are you will not trace the demise of your lashes to this product- so everyone, that means mainly us - are happy.

WATER RESISTANT
Water resistant is the industry's alternative to the waterproof mascara. They are never 100% smudge-proof- just smudge resistant but we have our way of putting that into words that make you believe that they are- try -weather proof, life proof, city proof- depends how devious the copywriter is.  Well, at least it is not as toxic.

CARBON BLACK
This is a black pigment which is blacker than most. But this is banned in the US and Latin America- so you only get this in Europe. Well at least, that is so, the last time I checked. So Americans, take the chance to buy your mascaras, sparkly eyeshadows when you next go to Europe- as regulations there are more lenient with what you put on the eye as you have in America.

LASH GROWTH
Now, there is a very important technicality in naming products that we, bullshitters play up all the time.
I can call  my mascara Rowena's Lash Growth mascara without having to give proof that it does make your lash grow.  Why?  Because the "Lash Growth" is considered a product name, NOT a product claim.  It is like calling the daughter "Bella" (that is, "Beautiful" in Italian- for those living in the New World) when the mother should rather be called "Delusionada".

It may be called the lash growth mascara but never will it appear in the claims that it makes your lashes grow.   And as far as lash growth mascaras are concerned, they are pure BS.  But I am sure you know that!

This is as well a trick used with "Lifting" skin care products.  You will see that the product name has some "lift" in one way or another figured into it but never will it say "lifting" in the claims.  Slimy eh?  Just slightly.  There is more to it in my next blogs.


* This initially said, "toxic" shit.  But since the word can be misconstrued to mean "teenage mutant ninja toxic" and not "britney spears toxic" and since i do not aspire to inspire havoc a la Annie Leonard, I have since modified the word "toxic".