Mascara Me Not

Sunday, 1 August 2010

The mascara is the cosmetic industry's big kahuna.

Just see how much money we spend on mascara ads, tests, patents- and you will realize how important it is to us.  If the 24 shades of lipsticks sell say 6 Billion euros, the one black volumizing mascara sells more than half of that. It is the single product, or,  more precisely - sku (stock keeping unit- learn this if you have aspirations of going into cosmetic development) that brings in the most number of sales.

As a professional, we are judged by the number of successful mascara launches we have had, they are much like our oscar trophies - as the mascara's success pretty much depends on our talent to bullshit.

So, if i were to write a thriller about cosmetics, it will not be about the lipstick but it will be about the mascara. Maybe the plot will be about some Bionic Mascara developed by a geeky but sexy lab genius (Clive Owen would be good) that is stolen by an evil cosmetic juggernaut (yes, i would cast Sharon Stone again here as she did the role in catwoman, even if she is not French- for box office reasons). And then he is framed for death of his trusted colleague that actually betrayed him though he will find this out in the end .. blah, blah, blah...
Speaking of movies, ... 
it is a major source of irritation for me that for every movie adaptation of a book - there is always a smart arse saying- "the book is better".   I do not know if their point is to impress us that they read or that they are too anal to recognize the blaring reality that - haller!!!! they are different media, you cannot compare them.

Reading arouses all the 5 senses and takes day/s to complete (for you average readers anyway) while the film contends with just the two senses and has to be compressed in 2 hours- and yes, the director injects his own interpretation, otherwise, we will let the book author direct the film interpretation- and how many authors are as well directors- eh?
If you insist on the comparison- then watch your book in 2 hours and i will read the freaking movie!

But, i digress.

Inspite of the mascara's importance in the industry and in many a woman's life, I was never chummy with the mascara - I tell you why.

1) It is only effective on certain types of lashes- and that is not my type of lashes.
Yes, there is such a thing as not having the right lashes for a mascara. In fact, back in the lab, we screen mascara testers according to their lash quality
 Too short, too stubby, too straight, too sparse and you are disqualified.You will not give us the satisfaction of seeing the effect of our mascara and you will affect the claims that we want to get. So out you go.
Yes Virginia, we control all factors so we get the best test results. That makes me look good to the Council of the Clueless. Not that it gives me a better bonus- just allows me to keep my job longer until I save enough for a year hiatus.
 2) They will eventually smudge and in the worst possible moment
How many of you have made the mistake of going out, meeting a great guy, feeling everything right and then eventually spending the night at his place only to find that he doesn't have a proper make up remover and then so you try to wash your mascara with soap and water thinking that you have eliminated the last traces of them only to wake up the day after with who could have been your potential lifemate's scaredshit incoherence of your zombie-like racoon eye morning after revelation. Amen.
And so, the solution for lashes like mine is this- to learn to put on false eyelashes. Any occassion worthy putting on mascara is worth putting on full-on-in-your-face falsies. Think about it.

And do not bother buying those branded falsies. You can buy them at 1/1000th of the price in any Asian beauty supply store. Take note of that the next time you visit Asia.

If inspite of these reasons, you think that you still cannot live without the mascara, then at least learn to decipher the bullshit behind the mascara claims - coming up in the next blogs...

 ridiculous claims... plastic brush... waterproof, weatherproof, water resistant...carbon black...